Lament For The Motorway Service's 'Good Ol' Mug A' Tea'

from Punk Uncle by The Antipoet

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"that’s lament as in furious rant about the modern evolution (or demise) of “the weary muso’s mecca“. Paul is not a coffee drinker, distressed that “proper urn-stewed tea” is no longer available. No-one’s gonna call their simple needs for “A plate of chips and a wagon wheel and a good old mug of tea” a meal-deal. A terrible joke/pun occurs towards the end."



It oughtn't've been
too much to ask for;
'snot an unreas'nable request:
a little light refreshment
with our statutory rest;
see, we've been travelling for hours;
cooped up in Ian's car;
we've a need to purge our bladders;
stretch our lallies:
Donna bagged the front seat,
'cause she claims she gets travel sick,
(and as usual)
I'm in the back with the bass on me lap,
getting claus-tra-pho-bic;
but then we clocks it:
in the distance:
 a shimmering oasis;
 the weary musos' mecca:
 the motorway services!

~ all I wanted was beans on toast
with cleanish cutlery,
a plate of chips and a Wagon Wheel,
and a good ol' mug a' tea,
all I wanted was a pit stop;
a piss an' a packet of toffees,
but me demands were antiquarian,
'cause now all they sell here's coffee!

There's a Costa;
no, wait: there are five of 'em,
within sight of the door;
there're Starbucks on the other side:
it's a roast bean franchise war!
There's a McDonalds next to a Burger King and some other branded shit:
it's obligat'ry,
people need their fast food hit!
 Oh, they'll all serve tea;
if they have to,
but they'd really rather not:
a bag in tepid water
('cause they haven't got a pot),
in a cardboard cup with a plastic cap:
an insipid shade of piss,
that tastes like spit'n sugar,
'cause that's probably what it is!
~all I wanted
was a biscuit
and a mug of tea to sup,
 why would I want a 'cinnamon whirl' and me name on the side of the cup?
All I wanted was a welcome break
(I didn't) come to do me shopping;
I don't want to buy any camping gear:
we hadn't planned on stopping!
All I wanted
was some fried bread;
with eggs done over-easy,
that's been warming under lamps for hours,
just there t'tempt'n tease me.
It shouldn't've bin
too much to ask for;
I mean, can I really be,
the only man who doesn't favour coffee over tea?
But it IS too much to ask for,
 my kind aren't welcome here,
if you not goin' t'get with the program,mate,
of the Services,
 steer clear!
All I wanted
was a stop-off;
 is it only me,
who remembers when the Services sold proper urn-stewed tea?
All I wanted
was a pit stop,
run independently,
a plate of chips an' a Wagon Wheel
and a good ol'mug of tea.


from Punk Uncle, released July 22, 2019
Words and Music by The Antipoet. Other instrumentation by Mark Gordon


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The Antipoet London, UK

"The Antipoet are at the forefront of the new movement; their material dripping with parody, takes poetry to a new level, with performances as memorable as they are hilarious"
Chris Wilson - The Stage

Combining the wit and wisdom of one of the finest performance poets with solo bass and the odd piece of gratuitous percussion to create the unique sound and spectacle that is The Antipoet
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